I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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