Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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