The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
