last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
thus making me awesome and them whores
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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