Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
