At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
im on a boat
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