If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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