my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I believe in your delicious
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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