i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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