um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sext me about skeletons
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
