mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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