remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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