and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
