my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
