I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
