I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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