WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
