Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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