Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
