Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
