whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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