There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
