I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
