yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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