So drunk its hurt
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
