You just made me feel so damn special
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
