oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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