As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
