absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
