...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
