I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
