Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
