Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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