there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
