My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize