I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
