OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
