apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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