just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
