the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
