There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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