The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
