If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
