If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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