We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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