life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
