Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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