so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
