It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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