Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
NoShamevember. You game?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
