can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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