I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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