I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize