I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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