I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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