Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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