There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
