I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
3 2 1 whiskey
We had sex on a dog bed..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
