then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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