It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
