I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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