My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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