Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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